I am not entirely sure where to start so bear with me. I grew up like any other girl who watched movies thinking, “Wow, I want to be just like that when I get older.” Young me was consumed by the unrealistic portrayals of romance, wanderlust and the all-too-misleading notion that my life was entirely in my control. I realize now that this is complete bullshit.

Granted, there are many things that are in the hands of a person such as their decisions and overall outlook on things. But, like everyone used to say and I indefinitely put off, life throws curve balls at you when you least expect it. You think you grabbed it by the horns (and maybe you did for a while) then…. BAM! Life grabs you by the balls and laughs at your pain. I can say this from first and second hand experience. Funnily enough, just the other day I was self reflecting and thinking, “You’re life is not what you pictured it to be” when later I opened Snapchat and saw the familiar red dot pop up on the bottom middle icon.

*For those of you who do not know what this means, Snapchat is a social media networking app where you essentially communicate through sending pictures. After having this for a while it creates “Memories” which are collected pictures taken from your gallery on today’s date one, two or maybe even three years ago compiled in a slideshow for you.

It displayed a picture of myself looking like a mess. My hair made me look like I had just rolled out of bed, bags were under my eyes making my bare morning face look that much more grotesque and overall you could tell I was having a bad day. The caption read, “Dear streaks, I woke up late and it’s still too early. I had three minutes to get ready and I’m fifteen minutes late. Remember this as the day where I genuinely am wondering if I’ll graduate.”

I laughed.

Not because I particularly thought I looked funny- although I can definitely say that that was a low point for me- or even found the caption funny. It was because I remembered the feeling of wholeheartedly doubting whether or not I would actually graduate high school. Keep in mind that I was an AP student who hardly had anything lower than a B in my classes (fuck you Intro to Psych teacher for giving me a C!). That wasn’t the only day I can remember having that thought run through my head either. It happened a lot that year.

And it was then that I had a revelation like the characters from my favorite movies, the ones I used to binge watch every chance I got (and still do).

This never ending feeling of being stuck will pass. I feel stagnant but I’m not. I’m the only thing stopping myself right now and while I may not know where to start again, I can’t stop because another shitty thing about life is, it doesn’t stop for anyone.

I’ve felt this plenty of times before despite it suddenly feeling foreign or seeming more prominent than before, and each time I’ve pushed through. Those times have all lead me to where I am now. Feeling this yet again but in a new way under new circumstance. Hopefully in the future I’ll look back at this point in my life and laugh. I, like most 18-year-olds, have my whole life ahead of me and don’t even know where or how to start.

Image from https://dailytrojan.com/2017/04/16/column-born-tragedy-reflecting-vietnams-black-april/